Rest in Peace Grandmother

My grandmother, Clarice Miller, died this morning. She was 80 years old. She was a great woman. Her husband was an alcoholic who committed suicide and she raised her two children independently. She was the first of three women to be telephone operators in a male-dominated workplace. She led a great life, lived long enough to see her two great-grandchildren grow up (ages 8 and 5).

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She was diagnosed with liver cancer on the 15th of March. After running tests they also found cancer in her stomach. She was admitted into the hospital 5 days later due to dehydration and they did a liver biopsy. Four days later they found out that it was not the primary source of cancer.

On tuesday she was readmitted into the hospital due to uncontrollable vomiting. It was then that she was told that she had an aggressive, untreatable cancer in her gastric-intestinal area. It was also the day my father called me and told me he had plane tickets for me to be on a plane wednesday evening. I spent all day yesterday in her hospital room and watched the grossly inadequate treatment the hospital was providing.

At one point the doctor ordered the nurse to turn off the pain pump. 1/2 hour later my grandmother opened her eyes and began moaning in agony. I called her name and she saw me, which was what I was afraid she wasnt going to do. She couldnt talk, couldnt close her mouth, and soon went back to sleep. My uncle and mom immediately called the hospice to move her from the hospital to her room there. They came and took over, my grandmother was transferred to her hospice bed, and she opened her eyes briefly, but there was nothing in them. Vacant.

This morning my dad told me that she had died. The hospice nurse had stayed all night and washed my grandmother's hair and changed her into her own nightgown. I stood there and held her hand.

I feel so guilty because I havent seen her in nearly six years. I only have a few pictures of her, but none that are here in Oregon with me. This is what is imprinted in my mind and the last picture I have of her still alive in the hospital:

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It is of my mom, my uncle, and my cousin praying for her suffering to end.

[dwencl]

When we lose certain people, or when we are dispossessed from a place, or a community, we may simply feel that we are undergoing something temporary, that mourning will be over and some restoration of prior order will be achieved. But maybe when we undergo what we do, something about who we are is revealed, something that delineates the ties we have to others, that shows us that these ties constitute what we are, ties or bonds that compose us. It is not as if an ‘I’ exist independently over here and then simply loses a ‘you’ over there, especially if the attachment to ‘you’ is part of what composes who ‘I’ am. If I lose you, under these conditions, then I not only mourn the loss, but I become inscrutable to myself. Who ‘am’ I, without you? When we lose some of these ties by which we are constituted, we do not know who we are or what to do. On one level, I think I have lost ‘you’ only to discover that ‘I’ have gone missing as well. At another another level, perhaps what I have lost ‘in’ you, that for which I have no ready vocabulary, is a relationality that is composed neither exclusively or myself nor you, but is to be conceived as the tie by which those terms are differentiated and related.

[dwencl]

I cant believe its almost been a week. I just heard your voice on March 26th.

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[papapang2007]

RIP Clarice

[john1054]

I am very sorry for your loss, dwencl.

[jenva]

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[dwencl]

I miss you.. Im sorry I wasnt around. Im sorry I ruined christmas that year. I wish I couldve been there before the end. I wanted to be the person you told everyone I was. But I cant cope with this... Moms going down into a pit. I cant fathom her leaving... I dont know what to do. I only exist now so that I dont hurt mom. I love you. Im sorry I wasnt there more. I always thought of you

[dad61]

Originally Posted by dwencl

I miss you.. Im sorry I wasnt around. Im sorry I ruined christmas that year. I wish I couldve been there before the end. I wanted to be the person you told everyone I was. But I cant cope with this... Moms going down into a pit. I cant fathom her leaving... I dont know what to do. I only exist now so that I dont hurt mom. I love you. Im sorry I wasnt there more. I always thought of you

(((((hugs)))))

[GradySizematters]

Sorry for yourr loss. Sounds like a wonderful woman. May she RIP.

[radgy]

My condolences

[dwencl]

I cant believe its already been a year. Ive done nothing with myself except drink...what I said I wasnt going to do when I came back to LA. I miss you so much. I have tried to connect with your energy, to feel your presence, ANYTHING to try to fixate on the fact that death isnt final and that the dead can come back to comfort the living.

I miss everyone else, and am worried everyday for the health of Mom and wish there was something we could do to encourage her weight loss. Im afraid that now that youre gone, she really has nothing else to live for. Her grief and depression is profound.. first set ablaze by Kristen and the boys moving. Now with you gone ....... well I guess we all know its just a matter of time.

Please help her. There has got to be a way.

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I love you Grandmother. I think about you all the time; every night and every day. I hope I see you again. I just want to give you a hug.