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Old 05-06-2017, 07:42 PM   #381
dan123
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Why was the six-month-old African baby crying?

























He was having a midlife crisis.
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Old 05-06-2017, 08:08 PM   #382
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A little black Jewish boy says to his daddy, "Dad am I more black or Jewish?"
"Why do you ask?", says the Dad.
The boy says, "Well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100 or just shoot him in the face and steal it."
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Old 05-06-2017, 08:18 PM   #383
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What was David Bowie's last hit?











Heroin!
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Old 06-11-2017, 10:52 PM   #384
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one fine day one of the ANTIFA organizers is hitchhiking down the road, he gets picked up by a truck driver. As they are driving along, the young punk, looking around the cab sees a dog lying in the back.
He says "wow, what a beautiful dog you have!"
The driver says "and talented, watch this" he pulls out a stick and gives the dog a little hit with it.
The dog jumps over the seat and gives the driver a blow job. When done, climbs back over the seat and lays back down.
The young punk says "wow, that is amazing!"
The driver says, "would you like to give it a try?"
The young Antifa punk says "oh yea, and you won't have to hit me with a stick!"
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Old 06-22-2017, 02:23 PM   #385
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Two families moved from Pakistan to Edmonton. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet. In a year's time, whichever family had become more Canadian would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, 'My son is playing hockey, I had Tim Hortons for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Molson's.

How about you?'

The second man replied, 'Fuck off, Paki.'
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Old 06-25-2017, 06:19 AM   #386
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Osama goes to Heaven

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
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Old 06-25-2017, 03:55 PM   #387
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. While on the table, she dies and sees herself in heaven. She then sees God and asks him if this was really her time.

God says "No my dear, you have at least 30 more years left". She gets resuscitated and while she is healing in the hospital she decides that since she has so much time left she will improve herself. She gets a boob job, face lift and a tummy tuck.
A few weeks later, walking out of the hospital a brand new woman, she gets plowed by a bus and dies.

Upon her arrival at heaven, again, she sees God and asks "Didnt you say I would have at least 30 more years?

God looks at her, and says "Oh sorry, I didnt recognize you"
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Old 06-28-2017, 09:31 PM   #388
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What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with dysentery?



One of them shucks between fits...
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Old 06-28-2017, 09:32 PM   #389
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?



One snatches watches.....
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Old 08-25-2017, 04:48 PM   #390
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I've just bought a house with old period features.













She hates it when I call her that.....
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